RogueWraith9091's blog post - First post... got to start somewhere!

I suppose now as a time as any to start this.

My life has been complicated from the first days I can remember.

As a child I was always trying to make other people happy, never really thinking of myself. My "others first" attitude and generally peaceful, submissive nature probably lead to alot of the bullying I recieved. I was verbally abused, punched, kicked and beaten up so often that I stopped feeling pretty much anything by the time I reached junior school and by the end of high-school I was almost like a Vulcan from Startrek... catatonic from time to time... that doesn't mean however that I didn't feel.

I felt... I felt worthless. I didn't believe any of the girls wanted me, I was an ugly, short, useless "swot". Not a person worthy of their attention. I even made the mistake of turning down the chance to dance at the high school prom with one of the girls I'd had a crush on since the day I first saw her because I believed she deserved more than me, better than me. Lisa was a stunning blonde with glasses who was taller than me but all I saw when I looked at her was a goddess worthy of someone far better than me. I suppose I could best be described as "emotionally dead" by that point... but I still felt the urges all people feel at that age. It was when I went to college I discovered a different side of myself.

I had never had much money so I used to walk the 5 miles each way to college and back every day. I wasn't complaining, it kept me slim and healthy and I didn't mind getting wet in the rain. I was just a normal everyday person as far as I knew back then. Until I got caught short on my way home and headed into a public toilet. It was a dingy, dirty looking place but I was desperate and it was the only public loo on that side of town. As I walked in I noticed two men in their 30's glance over at me and suddenly change their position slightly, I was too caught up in sorting out a biological need to think much about it and headed into the first stall that had loo paper in it. It wasn't until I sat down that I realised there was writing everywhere, and I do mean EVERYWHERE! On the walls and door were lots of short "messages" with phone numbers... there was also no lock on the door so I was hoping no-one walked in and started making some noise to let people know it was occupied because I couldn't think of anything else to do at the time, it wasn't like I was oing to be going anywhere for a few minutes... then I noticed the "art" and the longer stories that seemed to go with them... that was quite the eye opener to suddenly realise you're sitting in a public loos where men go to have gay sex! Especially when you were raised a strict Christian!!

TBC...