ShyDeanna's blog post - Startling realization

I have belonged to many websites for CDing in the last year or so since allowing myself to explore cross dressing in depth. I have had the urge all of my life, but only allowed a piece of clothing to be worn or shaving body parts but allowing them to grow back. The last few years I have kept all of my body hair short or shaved and two years ago I decided that I would finally allow myself to explore this desire more in depth.

I wanted to see myself as a woman instead of just "imagining" it. I made mistakes with buying a costume wig, but being a good researcher I quickly amassed dresses, makeup, a wig, and other essentials and it felt so great to finally connect to what I would eventually call Deanna.

I am very confident in my sexuality and know I am a heterosexual and am not attracted to men emotionally or physically. But, I did have an odd encounter with a close friend many years ago that made me realize that it would be a turn on to "play around" with the same sex. I'm a kinky person and connecting to Deanna created an even stronger urge to fulfill the fantasy of being more "like her" and ultimately being taken by a man. I went from obsessing over shemales to start to find men attractive sexually and these feelings have grown stronger over the last year. I guess I've just opened up sexually since opening up to Deanna to the prospect of being bisexual (I've always thought about it, but never allowed myself to go this far).

I began to be flirted with by a few men on a couple of cross dressing sites and it continued heavily when I created an online account on an adult oriented social media site. Many men claimed to want to be with me, experiment like I wanted to, and just have sex like I really wanted. But, when I made the time and effort to make it happen they all back down. I'm not asking for a relationship, just a one night/day stand and I'm shocked that so many men that claim to want to do this back out, delete their accounts, or just ignore my inquiry into their feelings on it. I guess I finally realized just a sliver what women go through when dealing with men!

I've conquered many things since cross dressing, but I still have many doors to open. A giant one is admitting this to my spouse, but I know this will not end well based on what I know of her over the years. The other is to take the leap forward to be more out in public, and of course allowing Deanna to soil her oats and find her sexual freedom.

~D~