ShyDeanna's blog post - Man problems (part 2)

First I want to thank everyone who has commented on my blog. I know many people read it, but it's nice to know that my feelings are similar to what others out there are encountering. That knowledge makes it a lot easier to deal with the feelings I've had and I've come a long way in that regard in the last few years.

When I first began to take an interest in shemales and then true men sexually I began to wonder, "Am I gay?" I can't be gay as I love women. I love looking at women, I love having sex with women and I can't stop checking them out. They do things to me that no man can as far as those feelings are concerned. But, I want to suck a dick and have anal sex, so am I gay or what? I fought through those feelings and realized it's not black and white like what people think or beat into your head when you are a kid. I remember when I was young and someone asked, "Would you suck a dick for a million dollars?" Of course you had to answer no or otherwise they would call you gay and try to beat you up. As you get older and lean the value of a million dollars and you think harder about that question, but there's the social discomfort about two guy friends talking about doing things together. The same two guys that would happily team up one one of their girlfriends together and high five each other and only talk about if their balls touched would that make them gay. Guy are just fucking weird as far as that's concerned and it took me until my 40s to realize it.

I remember comics making fun of sexual orientation by saying things like, "There is no bi-sexual, you either suck dick or you do not suck dick." I believe it was Andrew "Dice" Clay that said that (not that I took much he said seriously). Is it possible to still love women a lot, but enjoy having a dick in your mouth? I don't see why not. The world is not black and white and bi-sexuality is not a millennial thing or is it new at all. I honestly think that men are just scared of the idea of losing control of their sexuality to another man. Most men are dominant in bed, or at least say they are up front and I think it's partly this fear that leads most men to ignore wanting to experiment with the same sex.

Anyway, I've been sexually attracted to men for a while and it's easy to flirt online. I'm not looking for a gay relationship (since I'm not gay) but kind of like friends with benefits. I was talking to a guy online and we hit it off. He found Deanna very hot and loved everything about her (nothing new I haven't heard). But he wanted to know about me, my feelings about what I was going through, as well as the guy I was on the other side. It felt great. After hours of talking I really felt like I liked this guy, I was actually emotionally attracted to a guy which was a bit scary but felt great at the same time. Then I finally asked where he was from. The answer; the Netherlands. You've got to be fucking kidding. It seems like every time I meet a great guy he's from far away like South Africa (you know who you are ).

This guy was great and he had a great body and shaved cock and was just a bit younger than me. I could almost imagine having a relationship with him. Granted, I'm married (no children) and my wife has no idea about anything such as me dressing (although I think she suspects). I've been trying to drop hints for it to not be a huge surprise since I know it will not go well if it happens that way. I'm not looking to have a relationship with a guy, but the duality going on within me is pushing outward. The Deanna inside of me wants out and she wants to find a man. I almost feel like I have split personality disorder since the two are never around at the same time, lol. I'm not mental and I feared that as I got into cross-dressing, but there are no classifications of mental disorder associated with wearing other gender's clothing unless it begins to affect one's life. Shit, that's where I'm headed!

I hope I have things balanced out and all I really want is to had a sexual relationship with a guy for a bit so "Deanna" can soil her oats. Will that be enough for her or will she want more like she has been the last few years? I won't know until the cum dries.